When people ask me how my life is going right now 

Like literally, I’ve out-binged myself this year. I went for a cycle today to try to shed some of the kcals I’ve amassed but my ass weighed the whole bike down. People whizzed passed me and I was there trying to balance my huge ass on a tiny seat and skinny tyres. I think I’ve broken my bike as I noticed that the tyres were slightly buckled when I came back. My parents live up a hill so I had to cart my ass up that too. Literally my butt is so huge. Lengthwise it’s like a quarter of my body and it keeps riding up my back. My back will just be ass cheeks one day. When people pat me on the back for good work they’ll be spanking my butt.  I’ll have butt-back.  Like omg this can’t go on.  Gym. Now. 

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