How to procrastinate effectively to maximise your stress

I’ve been procrastinating like a pro non-stop for the last week. This hasn’t been easy. I’m so effective at creating stress through procrastinating that I’ve flattened off my canines, so here are my top tips:

  • Start a blog
  • Start following the most ridiculous people on social media
  • Eat (this is particularly effective if you eat to the point of immobility, as this means you have an even better excuse for being able to do less effective things with your time)
  • Stare at a wordy pdf document on your computer. The key word here is stare, you don’t want to read it as that is effort. The aim however is to make it look like you’re doing something. Add in the occasional scroll for authenticity

To effectively procrastinate you have to be doing nothing effective with your time. This heightens the stress as you’re not enjoying your procrastination. I realise you get those (nightmarish) people who effectively procrastinate by burning calories or having real hobbies or some shit but I ain’t one of those, pal.

Before anyone goes at me for missing the blatantly obvious “GET ADDICTED TO A TV SHOW” you can actually piss off mate. I don’t watch tv, I don’t have time for that shit because I am too busy procrastinating.

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