Alternative facts…

…I’m a UK 6 dress size and I have a PhD. Jk.  

It always makes me chuckle inside when people put their social media faces on. When they portray an image of perfection to their followers. We all know they are just as greasy as you and me. 

When you know so much about someone it’s kind of hard to accept the social media face they may put on.

You see one night seven years ago I was staying round my friends place in Kensington. He lived in a large Kensington red-brick  town house, on the third floor, so quite high up. He exclaimed to me, with a whine and pain only a millennial can empathise with, that he couldn’t be bothered to go to the bathroom fifteen steps down the hallway even though he was bursting.  

I was laying in bed trying to sleep. He had soup for dinner that night, and the carton was still in the bin. 

Next thing I heard was this trickle. Suddenly the window opened. 

I turned the light on to find him delicately trying to balance a soup carton full of piss on the window sill outside. I screamed “GET RID OF IT”. He said “LOOK JUST LEAVE IT TILL THE MORNING IT’S OUTSIDE FFS”. 

After a bit of a fight I picked up the carton and threw the contents out the window. 

There were three seconds of silence and then we heard the splash ricochet though the nights air. There were people living on the basement floor and no doubt his thunderous pee ricochet woke them up. 

No amount of social media ‘airbrushing’ can edit that out. 

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